I never got to enjoy the oceans

When the car creeps into the empty intersection on a red light, then slowly reverses at a sharp angle
I say, "What the hell was that?"
He says, "Turning...?"
I laugh like a fool
Apparently my laughter is contagious

If I wanted to go for a drink, I could do it now
I can make my own decisions, drive and fuck and open a bank account
I can walk from here to Europe if I really want because
Every ocean has been replaced by rigid concrete
I no longer have an excuse to drown

200 days of being a juvenile later
Whose feet are these, on which I must stabilize my weight?
The advantage of seizing strong legs to hold me up
is the certainty of a dance
while the disadvantage is dancing a dance that is not mine

We promptly got lost. We ended up on a winding road with no exits, then in a few construction zones
Which felt oddly homey
A hole in the dishevelled rubble, supposed to house a pristine structure and
I can relate to the desolation  

I'll live in a hole such as that
Because this regulator keeps me synthetically contented and it feels like
Being made of glass
Polished to a shine - tucked away on a shelf

I've lost count of the years in which I've buried my head in the sand
Because to summon my lucidity is a waste
It will always look black, feel vacant
It will echo with wraithlike conviction and smell of blood
For eighty-six thousand four hundred seconds – I counted
Gravity pulling the grains
They form a mound of yesterday

He says, "I'm nice to you and I'm not married."
I say, "I know. I'm sick and sleep deprived and confused and just; don't take anything I say seriously."
I say: Our next meeting will depend on other people and it will fall through
Because strong legs, when borrowed, eventually deteriorate
And your number will tremor whenever the wind blows, telling me
I shouldn't be afraid of a boy's number and
I'm so afraid

I don't want to be this image of perfection.
Being me isn't perfect, but I'd rather be that.
I don't know what I am right now.
I can't be on call for you because I don't know how to be someone who can
Talk on telephones and
Cuddle just because I want to.

I make you uncomfortable because
you're the better version of me and
You can feel my insecurity.
Why won't you talk to me?
You never liked me that much, I assume.
It's okay, you have better things to do.

You win by staggering skills, countless supporters, and one day.
You're my gravity
Each grain of sand is a corpse
People drown often in this place
Like cowards, with no excuse.

If I wanted to go out
Wade through the rubble and find a fancy seat.
Sit there stoically waiting
For a drink
I could do it now
I can make my own decisions, drive and fuck and open a bank account
All at the same time, if I wanted to.
I could.
Happy Birthday. Cheer overcomes us.