haunt a life that's happening

{Opening Credits.}





i think to myself,

God. I adore you. You make my heart sing. You set my soul aloft. Life with you brings me everything I've always wanted. God. I love you.

i think back four years
and there is no more truthful thought to have had
because you were everything
(you were the only thing)


{Fast Forward.}


[There's a way to rebuild my bones. A way to revitalize my tissues. A way to add colour to my face and pump me back up, full of more blood than I'll ever need.]


i used to have so many words for them all
so many nights when i'd writhe because i am a despicable girl for what i didn't say
but thsoe wdors bcoeme jumbled.
like the mosaic of lies i would constantly re-arrange
ot aiovd tiknhnig aubot how i probably hurt you.


[It is fall. The season loves me. I wander without a coat, challenging the icy breeze.
I'll eat my tomato right off the vine. I stand tall and laugh loud, for I hold life in my hands.]


part of me loves you as if you were a missing portion of myself
like a fraction of my heart
(which slowly grew diseased, rotten
began to poison me until i had no other logical choice)
a fraction i had to cut out

The precocious part of me
realizes the vigour in me that i felt had died
was just lurking in the shadows until daylight came
and you could never have taken it away with you
(even though you tried)


[My ivy shivers on the windowsill. If her leaves threaten to wither, they must be cut, to preserve the wellbeing of the plant.]


i figured i could never walk outside
without your despondent commentary
your hand in mine
(or so i would pretend)
and i still cringe when i feel the absence of your breath on my neck
like static down my spine


[The insect boy, he got himself a partner.
How nice, this woman, she has her own two feet on which to wander, searching for something more. Don't need to love no boy. Don't need to divide her priorites.]


it shocks me that the last time i cried, it wasn't for you
it shocks me to still have strength when before i couldn't fathom lifting my head
it shocks me that i have found other things to think about
most of the time


[I completely adore him. God I miss him. God I miss him. God I miss him.]


my mother says
my lonely heart is
happier
than my cohabitated heart
ever was










[breathe deep]
{End Credits.}